Like being at war, I had to wear my uniform every day, never knowing when a bomb would drop and destroy everything around us, just like a storm that cleans it all up, whether or not you\u2019re someone it likes. I could never be prepared enough, even if I\u2019d been there for months. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Like being at war, I had to distance myself from the people I liked, or they would have seen death in my eyes. I didn\u2019t want them to know that kind of suffering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So when you come back for some time, you smile. You\u2019re proud of the work you\u2019ve done, helping people, making their lives better, protecting them from themselves, when the truth is that you\u2019re in a hostile and lonely place, without knowing when the pain is going to come or when this is all going to end. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
At some point, you lose parts of yourself; you forget what life was like before. You think, \u201cThis is real life.\u201d It has become your reality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Your definition of happiness is being the first witness to distress and destruction, even thinking you could do this your whole life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But then someday, you have to come back home. Or the army doesn\u2019t want you, or you don\u2019t want it anymore. No one really knows. You become a veteran, without a home, without landmarks. With an unbearable pain you walk. So intertwined with it that you don\u2019t even feel it. You are it. But you\u2019ve been wearing the weight of the world, a little more, a little less\u2026 Nightmares? \u00a0\u00bb Daymares \u00ab\u00a0? You don\u2019t know the difference. Past, present, future, real, false, right, wrong\u2026 who really cares? You\u2019ve got this anger, this unbearable pain, this sadness accompanied with a sense of freedom. Free\u2026 when in fact you are now in self-destruct mode. You are ready to do anything to numb some parts and awaken others just to feel some joy. You start living in the moment, not giving a fuck about tomorrow, forgetting that what you do impacts everything and everyone around you. You don\u2019t want any more weight or expectations on you. Whatever it takes, that\u2019s what you\u2019ll do. But the pain doesn\u2019t leave that way, in fact you\u2019re just adding more in you. The mistakes, the remorse and the shame: at some point you\u2019ll have to stop that vicious circle.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I had to stop it, start cleaning, making excuses, forgiving, breathing again and taking off layers of dirt until I found my new self: the one that I am now with all that story. But not only that. I united my real self with the one that now knows that war is not the place to be. I chose peace, a freaking big garden with unlimited space, sun, air, love and living beings. I gave myself the real freedom of being me without you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Like being at war, I had to wear my uniform every day, never knowing when a bomb would drop and destroy everything around us, just like a storm that cleans it all up, whether or not you\u2019re someone it likes. I could never be prepared enough, even if I\u2019d been there for months. Like being […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"template":"","meta":{"_acf_changed":true,"advgb_blocks_editor_width":"","advgb_blocks_columns_visual_guide":""},"tags":[278,277,279,187,252,254],"numeros":[211],"ppma_author":[233],"class_list":["post-14795","articles","type-articles","status-publish","hentry","tag-colere","tag-guerre","tag-souffrances","tag-temoignage","tag-violences","tag-violences-conjugales","numeros-vol-21-no-1-postures-et-privileges"],"acf":{"sections":{"section":""},"bibliographie":"","hyperliens":null,"order":17},"yoast_head":"\n